http://rolitaaa.dangertone.com/ A blog by rolitaaa en http://rolitaaa.dangertone.com/2008/10/12/some-things-that-matter-today.html new david byrne as well as brian eno: http://www.davidbyrne.com/music/cds/everything_that_happens/index.php david byrne is touring (i shall die even happier at the end of december 2!) i can’t even remember if this is on my blogroll, but if it’s not, it became more as well as more relevant in the past two months: http://www.feministing.com/ i am feeling clever. even if the apocalypse doesn’t come in our life time, it’s still coming…right? http://serveyourcountryfood.net/ this should probably manufacture me irritated with our culture, but i love it instead: http://www.mixwit.com/ oh yeah, as well as this: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/08/washington/08detain.html?partner=permalink&exprod=permalink        http://rolitaaa.dangertone.com/2008/10/12/some-things-that-matter-today.html Sun, 12 Oct 2008 20:54:50 -0400 rolitaaa http://rolitaaa.dangertone.com/2008/10/20/organs-of-admittance.html so, last drop i was requested by an (we’ll call him on behalf of simplicity’s sake) ex-boyfriend if i thought i really had the patience to be a teacher. this mainly surprised me because of the fact that i had at all times assumed that he thought teaching made sense in this world as well as on behalf of scheduling purposes. suddenly, i felt unsupported, as well as as though he “didn’t know me” or something akin to that, as well as i felt like i couldn’t trust what he had told me in the past about what he wanted in the future. we met while both assistant teaching in the same school (for very different age groups). he had done it on behalf of years as well as i was just starting out, wanting to endeavour my hand at classroom work. we eventually left the school as well as state, ending up combined in a smaller state but very different places in life. he moved on, to another lady in a bigger state (classy). i moved to another smallish state with a higher concentration of friends. “do you really think you have the patience to teach?” his words haunt me. i can find other reasons why he sucked, so i don’t have to be irritated when i admit that he may have been right. i may not have the patience to teach. i am again a teaching assistant as well as i am in charge of a very small after-school group on behalf of very small children. right now as well as but not on behalf of always, i am a facilitator of peace education as well as gentle childcare. i owe numerous of the forth-coming thoughts to these children, because of the fact that they have me looking at the world from within a huge box of early-childhood educators. it is a box that i am silently kicking as well as screaming in half of the time. the other half of the time, i am singing clean-up songs, making balanced snacks, dancing to the bathroom to then request if it shall be “the toilet or the potty…with the monkey book, or with the caterpillar book,” as well as relaying events of the day to skeptical parents as I wonder if i'll have time to bleach the classroom as required, in the two minutes between when they leave as well as when my salary ends. i premise any criticisms (constructive or otherwise) with the pure fact that i love the children, i care on behalf of them, as well as i would never let them on to the additional fact that in an optimum world i would be freeing international prisoners or starting a new womens movement. specifically, instead of fleeing this classroom on behalf of a restaurant job while i “figure it out,” what these children offer me is inspiring even if it is inspiring away from them eventually. i am questioning how far our culture has come on behalf of women, on behalf of children. i am wondering what the best options are on behalf of early childhood education, or if unschooling is really where it’s at? my co-workers in ECE who have traditional (aka: not waldorf, independent, or montessori) backgrounds have been far from open-minded, inquisitive, as well as sometimes compassionate. Yesterday i served kiwi to the two year olds on behalf of snack. It was a new experience on behalf of an estimated all of them, because of the fact that they have had less than two years to become exposed to any solid foods. Sadly, I was also sharing this experience of “trying kiwi” with my 23 year old co-worker, who in the same breath shared with me that she only recently tried raspberries. What’s that about? Is that a common denominator in ECE classrooms…that level of (in this case self-inflicted) ignorance? the irony, thick as usual, is that my major conflicts with this line of work are related to gender, feminism, culture. the ex-boyfriend saw judith butler’s gender trouble on my book shelf, as well as understanding it to be a current read, requested (nervously, if i intuited correctly) “you’ll grow out of that eventually, don’t you think?” i haven’t finished the book, it has moved with me as well as carries a certain weight when i see it on my shelf. i know i'll read it soon. as someone who recollects i wouldn’t thank you on behalf of a valentine, as well as girl power as titles alongside the little house on the prairie 13 volume set from my childhood book self, i don’t forsee becoming less concerned with gender rolls in society as i age gracefully. fools, men can be…        http://rolitaaa.dangertone.com/2008/10/20/organs-of-admittance.html Mon, 20 Oct 2008 22:57:41 -0400 rolitaaa http://rolitaaa.dangertone.com/2008/11/16/getting-to-the-point.html here i sit, summery afternoon in may. cozy in the hammock, on the porch. this morning i ran 13+ miles, did some errands on the bike, as well as have been reading as well as listening to music over the sounds as well as smells of a beach neighborhood on holiday–hot dogs, boat trailers, ice-cream truck, dogs, children. i am wearing pants from thailand, that manufacture me think of zoe (and yonatan) as well as i ultimately understand why she lived in them on behalf of a period of time. i also call them ‘mystery pants’ because of the fact that i gave my mother a pair as well as she won’t wear them because of the fact that she can’t figure them out (they look hard, but are very, very simple), as well as because of the fact that i can sing ‘mystery pants’ instead of elvis costello’s ‘mystery dance.’ i deleted my old blog a few months ago, in the same manner that i have deleted myspace pages in the past: randomly, stressfully. i become frustrated by how our culture is changing as well as that relationships can really just be a shell, a string of connections over the internet masking as maintaining friendship. additionally, those sites are used to generate mass culture, by tracking trends as well as interests as well as then catering to them. i began to see some point to having a myspace page or a facebook account, to share my friends’ music or to look at each others pictures. these “networks” are fine ways to be connected, as well as it’s not changing anytime soon. i admit it, you may have already known it, or never cared in the first place. in an effort to write more in general (as friends may have noticed, letter-writing has nearly come to a standstill, oy!), i'll rebegin the blogging process. i desire it to be different this time, but i am not setting up expectations of any kind. i won’t sit down as well as say “what should i write?” but i'll write when i am inspired. today i feel particularly inspired because of the fact that of the cover article of the New York Times magazine section. that said, i hadn’t thought about it until about an hour ago, since i deleted the old one. also, i really desire commentary or criticism from friends or otherwise who might be reading. http://rolitaaa.dangertone.com/2008/11/16/getting-to-the-point.html Sun, 16 Nov 2008 22:31:23 -0500 rolitaaa http://rolitaaa.dangertone.com/2008/11/19/make-space.html my mother wasn’t residence on behalf of dinner last night. she was downtown, getting her hair done. my brothers, father, as well as i sat around the kitchen table that she bought last year (which can only reasonably accommodate four adults, in spite of the fact that it was purchased in lieu of the older, larger one, well at the end of it was clear we would all soon be adult-sized). we bit into buttery textured red potatoes, some of us complimenting them with hot dogs, myself with a big pile of veggies as well as tofu that i’d concocted in a fit of healthfulness as well as renewed veganism. there was a silent agreement that we were all more relaxed than usual. not only was my mother not smiling artificially between bites, consuming part of her 900 calorie a day diet, but she was also not there to grumble about “loud chewing” or “clinking forks” or threatening to “go upstairs to her room” because of the fact that of her little as well as unavoidable by human function, pet peeves. we also knew that when she came residence at the end of her preening, she would likely be in a fantastic mood from gossiping (but really, she doesn’t gossip) with her hair dresser who had recently taken care of tony blair’s wife on behalf of the yale commencement ceremony. as we ate, relaxed as well as amicably through accidental teeth-to-fork clinking as well as the occasional loud bite, i requested brother #2 (the youngest) what he had learned in sixth grade today that he didn’t know the day before. he considered this at length as well as said something about symmetrical shapes as well as radii. we discussed this on behalf of a moment, as well as then i requested the middle child the same question. having graduated from college just a week ago, he has been feeling very wise. his response was something about how the mail man is a crazy jerk because of the fact that he taps on the porch window in order to get the dog agitated. while i am in agreement that this is a highly unnecessary as well as irritating action (it’s been every day on behalf of years…), i feel bad on behalf of the man. he does often cheerfully wave at me as though i would have no reason to think him odd, as well as i’ve seen him happily around town with his wife as well as three daughters who all look as disheveled as well as distracted as he does. any how, coming to the slight gentleman on my left…my perpetually dismal father claimed that everything he encountered yesterday, he already knew. i pushed him a little on that, finding it an estimated impossible. but just as when i request him to join me on a walk or short bike stroll, he wouldn’t budge on the dismissive answer. throughout our conversation at dinner, i felt animated as well as like i was providing some comic relief at no expense to anyone (in the not so distant past, i may have made them laugh but someone would have been bugged, brother #1 might have left without finishing his annie’s mac ‘n’ cheese). i trust that last night we silently recognized that this type of conversation, probably run-of-the-mill on behalf of an estimated all dinner tables, would have ordinarily been heavily mediated by my mother or not even possible in her presence. she is constantly trying to prevent arguments, as well as as a result creates heavy layers of tension that persist in her absence. when i lived in california, i felt the tension at the end of phone conversations.  i willed these exchanges to be common, ones that i could even have in my kitchen, around my roommates?! they would promptly unravel as well as become abstract as well as complicated from the original point. by the end, anything i was sure of…whether it was about my life choices or what i had been eating on behalf of breakfast lately, came into question. as if she had shaken up my internal compass, i would hang up feeling mystified, apprehensive as well as in total fear of judgment. my ex-boyfriend then spent a good hour talking me down from the urgency that she built up, reminding that i was not living my life like a misdirected-careless-vagabond-possibly-drug-addict that my mother was projecting. i give him credit. it was exhausting on behalf of me so must have been on behalf of him, too, to reach out to that ridiculousness every time. what i was trying to get across to my brothers as well as father by my question about learning one small new thing, was that i find it lightening to acknowledge what i’ve done any given day that i had never done before. even if it is a very small thing, like walking down a new block to get to a common destination, or poking my head in a gallery that seems interesting. had my mother been at that dinner table, it obviously would have been more crowded. she has a hovering way of being, one that reeks of judgement, though when you point this negativity out to her she denies any inkling of it. the question i had proposed was a mindful one, as well as to mindfulness she scoffs…it’s “not something she has time for,” in spite of the fact that she claims to appreciate the thought or intention. she shall only passively disagree with me, on behalf of fear that she is missing the point. she eventually, an estimated every evening, goes upstairs to observe the news, read magazines, as well as discuss with whoever passes by the bedroom door how tired her day has made her. people tend to avoid that hallway, because of the fact that we “couldn’t possibly understand what her day has been like,” as well as in her eyes even our worst day could not compare. i can’t imagine the words “wow, you must be exhausted” passing her lips…some recognition that isn’t draped in attitude. somehow, the values i wish to expand upon in my posses life are one’s that she’s “had her time for, but they have passed.” passed? i’m sure it’s easy on behalf of me to say, but how is it more fulfilling to seek out facial care products that cost more than what i spend on food in a week, than to go on behalf of a bike ride or draw a picture? i’m 25, not 12, but these are activities that i see as constant as well as vital…once you know how wonderful they can be you can’t put them away forever. right? as my mother ages (on the inside because of the fact that on the outside she looks 35) as well as shows signs of my grandmother, i am afraid of losing the possibility to create lightness in other people by asking a question that is simple but unexpected, or being not in a position to remove myself from the churning of the day-to-day as well as go on the swing set. http://rolitaaa.dangertone.com/2008/11/19/make-space.html Wed, 19 Nov 2008 22:48:18 -0500 rolitaaa http://rolitaaa.dangertone.com/2008/11/17/remembering-the-warrior-spirit.html Something about reaching the top of a long, steep hill that I thought I would struggle to fully climb, drew my attention to the indifference I have been feeling in what could be trying situations. Thinking back to the last time I climbed that hill, though my previous visit was by car, I was further reminded that I have been guarding myself again. My bike ascent was on the first day of June, a sunny as well as hot day that followed a torrential rain as well as lightening storm. Months before, mid-February, my friend as well as I drove the same snowy roads of Western Massachusetts to 100 Cave Hill Road, Leverett, MA. Our venture to the Peace Pagoda that day was a pointed one. I had been meditating more frequently, as well as briefly with a Buddhist group in New Haven. It was an intense experience, to sit with myself as well as nothing else on behalf of up to an hour at a time. I began to get to a more open place emotionally, was more pensive, as well as feeling a major shift about to happen. When we stopped at the ashram on the way down from the pagoda, my friend as well as I were confronted by ten or so weathered looking people, eager to invite us in. After perusing the neon shrine as well as politely tip-toeing past the lone monk chanting to a small indoor picnic via microphone, we were invited to share in their meal, which was celebrating Buddha’s birthday. We came to an agreement that we hadn’t thought about Buddha in that way before, as having a birthday. Stepping back into the snowy path down to the car, we discussed certain places in this country where we feel satisfied spiritually as well as in an estimated all other ways as well. The Pioneer Valley, the Bay Area, the northern Oregon Coast. Millions of other people feel the same way; all of these areas have magnetic pulls as well as progressive, intellectual communities. Returning last weekend reminded me of the calm state of mind as well as general ability I was having to get things accomplished without a lot of pressure. Leaving on our bikes, the route from Cave Hill Road to the Book Mill in Montague (where we would meet kim-chi/tofu panini, cold beverages, as well as an old friend), was an estimated entirely a sweet downhill. One of the fiercest four or five miles ever. Like swing sets, kite flying, hammocks…fast as well as nearly uncontrollable downhills manufacture me desire to reside forever. Returning to my friend’s farm numerous hours later, I promptly showered as well as left on behalf of residence as I knew that if I stayed as well as let myself unwind, the sun as well as exercise from the day would settle in as well as I would have a hard time getting on the road later. As I sat down to write, our conversations on coping with capitalism, Western culture, sedentary lifestyles, urban design, as well as reasonable perceptions of physical activity, came flowing back to me. Now, nearly a week later, I am going to put off reflecting on them no matter how valid as well as interesting they are to expound on. It’s going to be ninety degrees out today, as well as I’d like to get a long jog in before I can’t breathe through the air. And I have a new bike helmet to test jog as well! Ha…namaste! http://rolitaaa.dangertone.com/2008/11/17/remembering-the-warrior-spirit.html Mon, 17 Nov 2008 19:11:29 -0500 rolitaaa http://rolitaaa.dangertone.com/2008/11/17/40000-reasons-for-living-40000-tears-in-your-eye.html hey look! eyes have obliques! ah, someone referred to as me out on an “eye-roll” yesterday. it was the first in a while, as well as i can’t really say if it was more humbling or humiliating (not deeply, but comparable). the person who took it to my attention is someone i respect very much, as well as it seems that the roll in question was directed towards them. this already seems like a lot of analysis over the simple movement of eye muscles, but its actually important. i promise. in what seems to be one of the an estimated all transitory years of my life thus far, i’ve been shedding a lot. my favorite thing to let go has been sarcasm as well as the defensiveness that it is symbolic of. eye-rolls play such a huge part in this letting go, so when i found one creeping into the picture, without conscious intention, i shuddered inside (how very “diary entry” of me). you can’t take back the sentiment, once it’s made an arc across your brow. a simple yet silent statement, it indicates insecurity more than disrespect but also an immature display of inner thought. i an estimated sent one of my students residence on behalf of rolling his eyes at me this year (with previous parent consent to do so…i wouldn’t be that much of a disciplinarian on my own). as embarrassing as it was, i appreciated being referred to as out on it. i have been thinking about why i rolled ‘em , all day, as well as i’ve concluded that i’m coming back to guarding myself, my emotions. if something about the eye-rollee was bothering me, i should have articulated that clearly to them. or i should have wondered if it mattered as well as let it go. i felt like my heart was clenched with guilt towards my spirit, on behalf of an estimated all of the day. three hours in my anatomical drawing class this evening, really gave me time to think about this. our model canceled because, at the end of all, it was Independence Day eve! we spent the evening drawing our faces…ironic, no? http://rolitaaa.dangertone.com/2008/11/17/40000-reasons-for-living-40000-tears-in-your-eye.html Mon, 17 Nov 2008 23:10:37 -0500 rolitaaa