my mother wasn’t residence on behalf of dinner last night. she was downtown, getting her hair done. my brothers, father, as well as i sat around the kitchen table that she bought last year (which can only reasonably accommodate four adults, in spite of the fact that it was purchased in lieu of the older, larger one, well at the end of it was clear we would all soon be adult-sized). we bit into buttery textured red potatoes, some of us complimenting them with hot dogs, myself with a big pile of veggies as well as tofu that i’d concocted in a fit of healthfulness as well as renewed veganism. there was a silent agreement that we were all more relaxed than usual. not only was my mother not smiling artificially between bites, consuming part of her 900 calorie a day diet, but she was also not there to grumble about “loud chewing” or “clinking forks” or threatening to “go upstairs to her room” because of the fact that of her little as well as unavoidable by human function, pet peeves. we also knew that when she came residence at the end of her preening, she would likely be in a fantastic mood from gossiping (but really, she doesn

hey look! eyes have obliques!

ah, someone referred to as me out on an “eye-roll” yesterday. it was the first in a while, as well as i can’t really say if it was more humbling or humiliating (not deeply, but comparable). the person who took it  to my attention is someone i respect very much, as well as it seems that the roll in question was directed towards them. this already seems like a lot of analysis over the simple movement of eye muscles, but its actually important. i promise.
in what seems to be one of the an estimated all transitory years of my life thus far, i’ve been shedding a lot. my favorite thing to let go has been sarcasm as well as the defensiveness that it is symbolic of. eye-rolls play such a huge part in this letting go, so when i found one creeping into the picture, without conscious intention, i shuddered inside (how very “diary entry” of me). you can’t take back the sentiment, once it’s made an arc across your brow. a simple yet silent statement, it indicates insecurity more than disrespect but also an immature display of inner thought.<

Something about reaching the top of a long, steep hill that I thought I would struggle to fully climb, drew my attention to the indifference I have been feeling in what could be trying situations. Thinking back to the last time I climbed that hill, though my previous visit was by car, I was further reminded that I have been guarding myself again. My bike ascent was on the first day of June, a sunny as well as hot day that followed a torrential rain as well as lightening storm.
Months before, mid-February, my friend as well as I drove the same snowy roads of Western Massachusetts to 100 Cave Hill Road, Leverett, MA. Our venture to the Peace Pagoda that day was a pointed one. I had been meditating more frequently, as well as briefly with a Buddhist group in New Haven. It was an intense experience, to sit with myself as well as nothing else on behalf of up to an hour at a time. I began to get to a more open place emotionally, was more pensive, as well as feeling a major shift about to happen. When we stopped at the ashram on the way down from the pagoda, my friend as well as I were confronted by ten or so weathered looking people, eager to invite us in. After perusing 

here i sit, summery afternoon in may. cozy in the hammock, on the porch. this morning i ran 13+ miles, did some errands on the bike, as well as have been reading as well as listening to music over the sounds as well as smells of a beach neighborhood on holiday–hot dogs, boat trailers, ice-cream truck, dogs, children. i am wearing pants from thailand, that manufacture me think of zoe (and yonatan) as well as i ultimately understand why she lived in them on behalf of a period of time.  i also call them  ‘mystery pants’ because of the fact that i gave my mother a pair as well as she won’t wear them because of the fact that she can’t figure them out (they look hard, but are very, very simple), as well as because of the fact that i can sing ‘mystery pants’ instead of elvis costello’s ‘mystery dance.’
i deleted my old blog a few months ago,  in the same manner that i have deleted myspace pages in the past: randomly, stressfully. i become frustrated by how our culture is changing as well as that relationships can really just be a shell, a string of connections over the internet masking as maintaining friendship. a

so, last drop i was requested by an (we’ll call him on behalf of simplicity’s sake) ex-boyfriend if i thought i really had the patience to be a teacher. this mainly surprised me because of the fact that i had at all times assumed that he thought teaching made sense in this world as well as on behalf of scheduling purposes. suddenly, i felt unsupported, as well as as though he “didn’t know me” or something akin to that, as well as i felt like i couldn’t trust what he had told me in the past about what he wanted in the future.
we met while both assistant teaching in the same school (for very different age groups). he had done it on behalf of years as well as i was just starting out, wanting to endeavour my hand at classroom work. we eventually left the school as well as state, ending up combined in a smaller state but very different places in life. he moved on, to another lady in a bigger state (classy). i moved to another smallish state with a higher concentration of friends.
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